Inner Thoughts
by Rowen Hashiba Of Tenku Co
Summary: A series of song-fics about the thoughts and feelings that the Gundam Pilots hide.


The Not-So Perfect Soldier  
Inner Thoughts series Part One  
By Alex Tirragen  
  
  
A/N: I don't own Gundam Wing, and I don't own Alanis Morisette's song "Perfect". I apologize for all the Alanis Morisette song-fics lately by me and Fallon, it's 'cuz she just got the CD "Jagged Little Pill". Go figure. Anyway, Heero musings!!  
  
  
----------  
Sometimes is never quite enough  
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love  
Don't forget to win first place  
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face  
----------  
  
Perfect soldier.  
Perfect.  
Is that all I am?  
To be "perfect", meaning to be flawless, without any mistakes. Not making mistakes or messing up.  
That is just not me.  
I've always been told that I had to be perfect in order to survive. I had to be perfect or no one would give a damn about me. No one ever paid attention to me except to tell me I was wrong, or if I was perfect. So I became, in essence, perfect. I told myself that I could not afford to make any mistakes, nor to lose even one single mission.  
I just wanted to be cared for..  
Was it too much to ask?  
  
----------  
Be a good boy  
Try a little harder  
You've got to measure up  
And make me prouder  
----------  
  
A flawless, perfect soldier to save the world, that's what they wanted..  
But what happened to the child they destroyed, who became nothing because they took that same child into adulthood far too soon? Is the child still there, inside of me?  
They shaped me into an adult when I was still too young to understand what was happening to me, and they did it without conscience, without thought.  
Will they pay for their sins?  
Doctor J would always tell me, when I did something "perfectly", that I made him proud of me. I lived for those words. I was so young, I didn't understand that I was being used. I just wanted to make the person who supposedly cared for me proud. Proud of me.  
It never happened. He wasn't proud of me. He was proud of the soldier that he had created, but that was not me.  
The true me was the little boy who cried himself to sleep every night, because it hurt so badly to pretend to be an adult, like they made me. The child who wanted nothing more than to please. The young kid who played video games in his spare time. That was me.  
Not anything like I am now, this soulless shell of a body.  
Don't they realize what they did to me?  
  
----------  
How long before you screw it up  
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up  
With everything I do for you  
The least you can do is keep quiet  
----------  
  
Heero.. That's my name, right? Or is it?  
I don't know. I know that it isn't my real name, but it's the only name I know, the only name I remember...  
I don't remember my home. I was much too little when Dr. J took me away. I remember nothing of the time before that, except a few faded images of people that I would never recognize anymore. It's fuzzy, really, that part of my memory. I was really young at the time. I can't see anything except for one person. A woman who picked me up, and she was laughing like I was some joke.  
Then I always ask myself, was she my mother?  
Did Doctor J kill her?  
  
----------  
Be a good girl  
You've gotta try a little harder  
That simply wasn't good enough  
To make us proud  
----------  
  
Duo asked me once about my family. I couldn't answer him.  
He sympathized- he has no family, either. But it wasn't the same. He wasn't stolen from his family, and didn't have his childhood stolen from him just as surely, all for one purpose. The Gundams.  
The Gundams were the source of all this, but I don't blame their creation for my loss. It's no one's fault except Doctor J's.  
Some of the others- Duo, and Quatre, especially- try to talk to me, to get me to open up to them, but what's the point? They would just try to sympathize, to feel sorry for me, and I don't want that. Just because of my past. I don't need pity, or sympathy. Dammit, but I almost want the latter.. I just feel so alone sometimes.  
I wonder if the others feel this way as well..  
  
----------  
I'll live through you  
I'll make you what I never was  
If you're the best, then maybe so am I  
Compared to him compared to her  
I'm doing this for your own damn good  
You'll make up for what I blew  
What's the problem... why are you crying?  
----------  
  
The sacrifice of one life, to save many.  
That is what I'm all about. I'm the one who played the sacrificial lamb in their games, the one who suffered for their tests.  
And yet I don't blame them.  
They wanted me to be "perfect".. That's all they wanted, right? A perfect soldier. Hell, even Duo calls me that now. The perfect soldier, Heero Yuy.  
I cry, but not on the outside. I cry on the inside, where no one can see that I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm flawed so badly that I'm surprised that it doesn't show on the outside.  
I was raised to be perfect, to leave childhood behind very early in life.  
But what if I don't want to be perfect anymore?  
  
----------  
Be a good boy  
Push a little farther now  
That wasn't fast enough  
To make us happy  
We'll love you just the way you are  
If you're perfect..  
---------- 


End file.
